Healing My Own Childhood Trauma - Part 2/2

Here is part 2 of 2 of recently healing my own childhood trauma. 
Continued from my last post.

This has truly been an immense cathartic experience. So complete in so many ways. I've discovered how to detach from my childhood expectations and show up with more compassion for him. To ‘fire’ him from the role I’ve continued to subconsciously expect him to take in my life, and step into the freedom that detachment and true presence deeply provides. 

He is a man who is living the best life he knows how with what he has available to him. He has always searched for peace within himself through adventure and travel, battling his own demons along the way. Many times I remember him battling them out loud through the voice of his schizophrenia. I witness him now so much calmer, and truly at peace with where he is. With time (and maybe his dementia) he now seldom reacts to previous schizophrenic triggers. Paradoxically he has actually transformed somewhat into the sweet old father I always desired. Quiet, polite, conscious, and caring. Only once during this entire month, he had a minor relapse when I asked him why he didn’t ever develop friendships of any kind. He replied “Why? Everyone is a spy.”

My last days in Vancouver and now father is clean, healthy, medically cared for, and enjoying his new clean home, clean Salvation Army clothing, easy to step into Croc's shoes, new prescription glasses, and fancy new flat screen TV I bought him. He even has a bit of swagger back, standing with his hands in his pocket and new cardigan with brand new Dockers pants. 

I feel his sadness and regret not being able to be there for me, now having a deep desire to drink beer and eat Chinese food with his only son and grateful for allowing him space now to be at peace in a safe and nurturing environment for the years he has left. He asks me now "Why don't you move to Vancouver to be with me?”

No words can express my gratitude for this journey. The safe recovery of the man who brought me into this world, for better or worse. For our closure, the weight of 41 years of aggression, anger, and trauma lifted from my cells. And no doubt my father too coming to terms with his own demons and finding light and purpose in his golden years. 

Deeper than the family relationships we hold dear is an underbelly of expectations not being met. Of inner pains grown from roles that were never played out. We hold on to these memories of plays in our minds and hearts. Their pressure and stress growing exponentially under the surface. Bubbling for years, decades many times with little to no resolve. We continue to act these out without the catalyst in front of us. The play now is our life. The same reactions and actions played out now for others. To others. To ourselves. I have played out this angry role throughout my entire life more times I can remember. Expecting more from others, lovers, friends, colleagues, and not until now have I truly just begun to understand where all that came from. What was the root? And now I can let that all go. 

Detachment. Observation. Witnessing your feelings and pains and stepping away from the expectations of the role we have imposed on our loved ones are all the keys to unlocking our inner traumas and moving into true and lasting freedom. One connected feeling, to one, inspired thought, to one compassionate action at a time. My father looks out above from his ‘penthouse’ view in his new senior home. Clean, safe, and waiting for me to return again.

Finding a way through traumatic life challenges can be overwhelming and paralyzing.

Sometimes all we can do is witness and observe the weight of it all in order to neutralize our state and take us out of panic. Then one mindful action at a time, find the momentum and mindfulness in the present moment to lighten our heart task by task, day by day.

I have learned so much from this process with my father. We all have negative patterns and emotional blockages to break free from. 

Just like my clients, when you work to uncover and release your negative patterns, increase your intuition and emotional resilience, you can move into freedom — one connected feeling, to one inspired thought, to one mindful action at a time.